Lydia Aswolf

I’ve not yet mentioned the affect and downward spiral in the kids of Neighborhell.

You would expect there would be SOME sort of effect from all the trash talking, infighting, and power plays that went on, and that’s certainly true.

In the summer after my ultimate victory over Apronstring, my husband and I were alarmed to notice that Apronstring and her husband Splat, no longer supervised their kids Puke, Spits, and Swallows.

Oh, they confined them to their front yard, a small patch of straggly land where no entertainment was readily available, other than a battered old porch swing.

My husband, Brian, and myself had made a conscious decision to keep Puke, Spits, and Swallows out of our pool, waterslide, playhouse, and trampoline…in other words, our entire backyard.

We came to this decision after Swallows, who had enjoyed a day full of our food, our aforementioned playthings in the backyard, sat on the trampoline after I chided the bigger kids to make certain they didn’t jump too high on the trampoline, and called me a bitch.

I said nothing.

I just talked with Brian and decided to ban them from our backyard.

So, Apronstring and Splat were indoors on a hot summer day, leaving Puke, Spits, and Swallows outdoors.

My kids eschewed our entertainment to go out front and play with Swallows, Puke, and Spits.

The only entertainment in Apronstrings front yard was a old and battered porch swing.

Puke, Spits, and Swallows were sitting on it, with room for more.

Except see, they didn’t want to allow Liam or Reilly on the porch swing for whatever reason (probably being banned from our back yard).

So Liam came up to me, in tears….but Liam tends to always be in tears for some perceived slight, so I brushed it off, commiserated with him, but also reminded him it was THEIR porch swing.

The straw that broke this bitch’s back was when my youngest son, Reilly, went up and wanted to sit on the swing, on which, if you’ll remember, there was plenty of room.

He was also refused admittance.

Keep in mind that Reilly is not only autistic, but also tends to not make demands like Liam does on other kids. Reilly is not bossy like Liam, and not bent on getting his own way. In short, he wasn’t making a difficult request and is well known for being easy to please.

In addition, by this point, I was watching events unfold from my front yard, which sits adjacent to Apronstrings.

When I saw Reilly cover his face with his hands and begin to cry, it’s more than fair to say I lost it.

We packed up and went indoors, but I have this terrible temper.

I believe I’ve mentioned it before.

I believe I’ve also mentioned that I don’t have a filter between my brain and mouth.

Therefore, when I came outside to lock our back gate so the little bastards couldn’t sneak in, I was trembling.

It should go without saying I didn’t keep my mouth shut.

So, as Puke, Spits, and Swallows gawked at me, I told them “I know that Liam can be bossy and not nice all the time, and I know Reilly isn’t perfect, but they are both in my house crying because you little pieces of SHIT wouldn’t have the common decency to let them sit on your damned porch swing.”

I went back in my house, still trembling.

Apparently, upon my dramatic exit, all three boys had run into their house, crying and making a big stink over me calling them pieces of shit, which gee, they were and are.

I wasn’t too surprised to see Splat appear on my doorstep, asking if we could work things out.

I’d had it.

I’d had it with Puke, Spits, and Swallows socializing with my kids if and when they were playing with something cool that they wanted to play with, and ignoring them pointedly if they didn’t get to.

I’d had it with Reilly walking up to talk to Swallows and being made to feel totally invisible.

I’d had it with Puke slapping Liam full across the face when Liam said something Puke didn’t like.

I’d had it with trying to tell Apronstring and Splat about Swallows telling Liam at school that he couldn’t sit by Spits, and Liam crying as a result, and no action being taken. Swallows did that two days in a row, and only when a teacher said if he made Liam cry again, he’d go the principals office, did he stop…not because his godforsaken parents took any action.

So I told Splat no, he was catching me in the heat of my temper, and it was best not to talk to me, and I wasn’t sure we could work things out, this was merely the tip of the iceberg.

He left, and as my anger abated I decided I should have waited until I cooled down before speaking.

That the last thing I needed was another war in Neighborhell.

So, I called Splat and told him I was prepared to explain why I was so angry, and that even adults needed to control their tempers, but I also explained to Splat that I was going to ask them first why they thought I was angry and had acted out.

Splat was of the opinion that his children (ages 5, 8, and 10) were not capable at their tender young ages to comprehend what I was asking, or what could have made me angry.

I tried not to laugh, but set up a appointment to walk over and make my….statements known.

So, I walked over, and asked Pukes, Spits, and Swallows why they thought I was angry.

Each kid volunteered that I was angry because they had been mean to Liam and Reilly.

Righto.

As Apronstring and Splat reeled from their kids knowledge of right and wrong, I went on to say that I have a issue with my temper and don’t think before I talk.

I also asked if they would be angry in my place, and they agreed.

I promised to work on my temper, and pointed out that obviously adults aren’t perfect, myself especially, and also stated I’d like to see them treat my kids better, that friendship is a two way street, and if you want to keep friends, you have to include friends.

Then Apronstring pulled me aside and said she’s sure it would not have happened if Splat had been out watching the kids.

Oh, the irony, when she had been home, but not outside at any time from the very beginning of summer.

So peace was made, and all was well for a time in Neighborhell.

You might have noted a couple things I did not say to either Puke, Swallows, Spits, or their parents.

I did not apologize for calling them pieces of shit.

I did not retract my belief that they were pieces of shit.

I never will.

After the introduction in last post of Anonymousteenbitches, they were often to be found parked in Ho’s front yard, huddled around her whispering and occasionally throwing dark, foreboding looks in my direction.

Not that I minded, I didn’t pay them any mind. I have the ability to look through people as if they aren’t there, and I use it pretty liberally to this day.

Instead, I was becoming irate about the defection within my own ranks. There really was only one person who had been on my side, and that was Apronstrings.

You would assume since in the last post, I stood up for her in her time of need, she would stick by me and stop talking to FelonTwo and Oompa Loompa…except that’s not quite how it went. Apronstring was often spotted outside talking to Ho, with whom it appeared she had a “understanding” with, as well as Oompa Loompa and FelonTwo.

So I knew when Apronstring came to me and tried to talk smack about the other three, that she was carrying back anything and everything I said with her own spin on it. This served to make me even more isolated by choice, and distrustful of Apronstrings motives.

I must mention that school starts here in August, and that we have very mild weather til late October as a rule, which is why, in case you were wondering, lol…that everyone was regularly out talking smack about one another.

It was during this relatively mild weather that I noted one day whilst out getting the mail that someone had used spray paint on the street. It was rather odd, as whatever had been written was also crossed out with spray paint, so naturally I asked Apronstring what this was all about.

Turns out Anonymousteenbitches and Ho had hatched a plot to “frame” me by spray painting slurs regarding Ho in front of her part of the street. Their “plan” was to call the cops and implicate me, which was laughable, as I guess Ho finally realized, which is what prompted the bizarre, crossed out slurs.

I found this EXTREMELY laughable, amazing, and a indicator that I was living in a high school, not a neighborhood. Honestly, you can’t make this shit up, it was absolutely crazy, and I still laugh about it.

Of course, after discovering this, I decided I would talk smack with Apronstring, who seemed too full of information about the parties involved in this bizarre scheme…almost like she was in on it.

So I talked smack, and lo and behold, it got right out in the neighborhood immediately, to the point that that Oompa Loompa and Ho’s kids were no longer allowed over at my place, which I can assure you, saved me loads on grocery bills, which was a relief.

However I had ulterior motives in mind. Scorpio’s like myself are reknowned manipulators who will wait years to get even, and I differ not one bit from that profile.

Only I found out soon enough I had a deadline to work with.

I kept talking smack to Apronstring and watching her go up to tell Ho, Oompa Loompa, and FelonTwo what I was saying, so there was a consistent, ripe atmosphere for anything to happen.

One day, Apronstring let spill that Ho was moving in a matter of days, and claiming that it was I who drove her out of the neighborhood. Before entering my home and whooping with joy, I told Apronstring I thought it was about time I made some things clear before Ho left, and showed great glee and joy in her leaving the neighborhood, which Apronstring ate up.

Now, we know a few things before I lay out what I did.

We know Apronstrings was feeling very powerful, because SHE was the only one who could talk to me, and therefore keep the pot stirred in the neighborhood.

We know Ho, Oompa Loompa, and FelonTwo never fully trusted her.

We also know I never fully trusted Apronstrings either.

Therefore, I wound up, a few days before Ho left, making a huge batch of homemade ginger snaps to be delivered to all the neighbors save Ho. I wrote a little note to Ho basically admitting what a ass I had been in the past, asking her forgiveness for my hotheaded temper and the inappropriate things I had said in the past, and sincerely hoping she would be kind enough to forgive me and allow her children to play over again.

The brilliance, as I see it, is how I distributed this bit of news. I walked up to Apronstring, asked her if she would deliver the note and the cookies to Ho, and told Apronstring she wouldn’t want to miss the note being read.

Apronstrings all but danced with glee at being able to deliver this hot piece of bad news, as she saw it, and was further joyful because Oompa Loompa and FelonTwo happened to be at Ho’s house at the time.

Needless to say, when she did storm out of Ho’s house, she was one unhappy little camper.

She made several mistakes.

One was believing I was going to seriously send cookies and a note chewing Ho out.

Second was believing I honestly was clueless about her power play in the neighborhood.

Third was that I could never diminish the power she believed she had the neighborhood.

I have often since this event, sat and pondered with a fair amount of glee  how it must have looked to Apronstring when she was inside Ho’s house. You see, Apronstring had led Ho to believe before opening the note that it was all nastiness and vitriol. So can you imagine standing in Ho’s home, with people you have led to believe one thing, people you KNOW do not trust you, and having the message from the dreaded bitch, Lydia, be nothing but peace, forgiveness, and admission of her faults in the past?

To say Apronstring was furious is an understatement. As they all left the house, Ho smiled at me, Oompa Loompa smiled at me, FelonTwo even smiled at me, and yet Apronstring looked like she had been beaten with a wet mop.

Apronstring stalked over to my house with a sweet note from Ho, where forgiveness was tendered, and all was well between me and the three ladies again, but it was clear Aprongstring was in deep shit.

She tried to pick a fight with me over inconsequential things, like how high the kids were jumping on the trampoline which I was monitoring, wearing shoes on trampoline vs not wearing shoes, and any number of other subjects.

You see, the last thing she COULD do was let me know that I screwed her hard, because then the admission would have to follow about all the smack she was talking.

It was one of the most satisfying victories I’ve had in my life.

It also had a purpose.

You might have noted that people who attain high positions are often knocked from them in humiliating and humbling ways. This was what I was striving for with Apronstring. It offended my sense of justice and fairness, grandstanding as that might sound, that she sought and truly believed she possessed all the power in the neighborhood and could do whatever she wanted, so I ensured her fall was publicly humiliating, and that she would never be looked at the same.

I will say that although Apronstring has attempted numerous times to attain the small, petty amount of power being two faced, and stirring up shit in the neighborhood might gain her?

She has never attained it.

Summer passed, and school was in session again. Hostilities weren’t that horrible in the neighborhood. Perhaps I should put that differently. I no longer cared, nor did I participate or make myself a target by being outside as much as I had been before. My husband walked up the street to pick up our kids from school, as he’s big, imposing, and not inclined to be a chatterbox, he was the best bet for keeping me out of shit. I thought if I removed myself from sight, perhaps things would go better, and for a time that worked.

Until one day when Apronstring went to fetch her kids. I should mention here that Oompa Loompa, Ho, and FelonTwo were in tight with one another, and Ho had never forgiven Apronstring for apologizing to Oompa Loompa for what we both deemed was unjustified behavior on our part. The fact that she happened to be outside when I verbally eviscerated Ho, was just another strike against Apronstring, so far as Ho was concerned.

So it was with little surprise when I walked out to fetch the mail that day, that I saw Apronstring stalking around in her front yard on the phone. She impatiently motioned me over, and then told her tale. Apparently, she had been walking up to get her kids, when Ho walked past her and told her “Bitch, you’d best watch your back.”

This put Apronstring in a fury, and truthfully I wasn’t that far behind. After all, Ho chose to mutter this inane threat when Apronstrings kids were running down the street, having already gotten off the bus. It struck me that had it been uttered to me, I would’ve thrown down, kids or no kids, right then and there…have I mentioned I happen to be hotheaded?

Ho had been walking up the street to go to FelonTwo’s house, where Oompa Loompa was already. I’ve no doubt as a psychic and observer of human behavior, that Ho bragged about what she did as soon as she was in FelonTwo’s house.

This served to infuriate me more, because I knew if it would’ve been ME in the same place, that dumb, toothless Ho wouldn’t have said a word, for fear of what I might do next.

So I told Apronstring we would wait til Ho returned to her home from FelonTwo’s house, and have OUR say when she came back down.

This was noticed by Ho, Oompa Loompa, and FelonTwo. Apronstring and I, after all, were stalking around in her front yard, pointing in FelonTwo’s direction and making no doubt that we were watching and lying in wait for Ho to return.

When the cowardly bitch did come down, she had her kids protectively circling her.

Like that would stop me.

I’ve repeatedly, and will, until the day I die, proclaim I am not a saint.

As soon as she got close enough, Apronstring and I were on her like a dog on prime rib. My role was clear; to harass and “tree” Ho before she could retreat to her Fortress of Hoitude, so that Apronstrings could get what she wanted to say out there.

Naturally, the whole neighborhood was outdoors, word having flown that shit was going to go down soon, and no one wanted to miss the show. It was with that in mind that I loudly proclaimed, as a message to all watching, that “Apronstring doesn’t have to watch her back, because I’m watching it for her, why don’t you try and get through ME!” This wasn’t something Ho appeared able or willing to do, and she had nothing to do but stand there and take it like a woman, no less.

It was when Apronstring was lunging at Ho like a pit bull, that my attention was called to FelonTwo and Oompa Loompa, who were both whispering to one another, and grinning. That I had stood up for Apronstring, and they wouldn’t stand up for one of their own amused me mightily, and because of it I laughed loud and long.

That was both a good and a bad thing, as it gave me the appearance of lunacy, which is necessary whenever you want to scare the living crap out of someone, and a bad thing because both Oompa Loompa and FelonTwo were glaring at me as I laughed practically in their faces.

I say with no great pride in myself that after laughing in Oompa Loompa and FelonTwo’s faces, I went back to work verbally assaulting Ho. It appeared Apronstring was done, so I went about my work with relish and great amusement at the time. To my mind, NO ONE threatens my friends without payback, and as I am a Scorpio, God help you if you get in the way of me or my friends, lol. Ho did eventually retreat into her home, whereupon Apronstring and myself went into her home and discussed the best lines, and so on and so forth.

Shortly after, Anonymousteenbitches moved in next door. I didn’t include them in my colorful introduction of the cast of characters because they are very, very minor players, owing to the fact they didn’t live here terribly long. They are worthy of note only because they were intimately involved in Ho’s campaign to bring me down.

Inadvertently, my husband had driven the Anonymousteenbitches to the Ho side, when their vicious, constantly yapping little dog attempted to attack him one day, as he was walking back from picking our four year old from preschool. Brian immediately called Animal Control who had some time containing the mutt. In fact, at one point, Brian observed the Animal Control man accidentally bonking the dog on the head, in a effort to get that little loophole thing around it’s head. Worse yet, the dog PASSED OUT on it’s way to the Animal Control truck, so it appeared the damn thing was dead to the curious neighbors who came out to look.

Well, word got around quickly that we had beaten the dog unconscious, and left it with Animal Control for dead. This was obviously not the case, and FelonOne, I found out later was perpetrating this lie. I marched up to his house and confronted him about it. Not only did I set the record straight about what happened, I also noted that this huge man, (who, if you’ll remember, the cops, humane society, AND social services were on the lookout for) was bowing his head like a coward and refusing to look me in the eye.

At any rate, that got the Anonymousteenbitches (one of whom admitted freely later that her own dog had in fact, attacked her and her sisters) on Ho’s side.

What happened from there is still the stuff of legend in the neighborhood.

Summer had rolled around, and tensions were very high in the neighborhood. Luckily for me, the twelve to thirteen kids in the neighborhood were to usually be found in my backyard under my supervision on my days off. When I worked, Apronstring was watching my two boys plus the other kids in, you guessed it, my backyard.

I don’t blame her, I set up my yard to be extremely kid friendly, above ground pool, ten foot tall waterslide, swingset, and trampoline. As I knew Apronstring was still short on cash, I also bought a nice playhouse for the kids which needed to be constructed. Splat, Apronstring’s husband, was always talking himself up as some master builder, and as he did work in construction at the time, I paid him a handsome fee to put the playhouse together, which resulted in the kids gawking about, and spending even more time over here.

Didn’t even care that somehow he put the playhouse together backwards, it worked, and that was the point, and it WAS safe, I took a stroll in and all over it to make certain. So the kids now had something else to catch their interest, while their mothers and fathers were nowhere to be found. It became something of a joke between my husband and myself that our neighbors avoided us like the plague, yet they would let their young kids down to play unseen by them in my backyard (that continues to this day).

I had a couple issues that pissed me off with Apronstrings that summer. One was that she actually was being paid for watching my sons, yet invited her friend who had three kids over to MY backyard to play one day. I was attempting to work, and had not been asked beforehand if this was ok with me. So when I heard even MORE noise than usual from where I was working, I poked my head out to see. I noted there were two adults for about 16 children, and I had to abandon my work to come out and supervise. Apronstrings assured me they could take care of it, but as it was my property, therefore my homeowners insurance that would screw me without benefit of lube if something untoward happened, well I was going to make sure nothing bad did happen. I was further incensed that this friend of Apronstrings had brought a infant when it was 95F degrees out. The baby was flushed, and while the mother did keep water out there for it, I thought it was not the best example of motherhood I’d seen, to put it mildly . The hours passed by, the baby was fitfully napping, and I was trying to be polite, though I was much more quiet than normal. When they finally retreated to Apronstrings yard (when my husband came home, he’s not neighbor friendly, thank god) I felt great relief, as would be expected. The next day Apronstring apologized, as she noted that I was much more quiet than usual, tipping her off that something was not cool with me. She complained endlessly about the woman who SHE invited to invade my backyard, and said she’d never invite her over again.

The second incident that pissed me off and ended our babysitting arrangement was when I took the kids over to Apronstrings house to be watched one day. Swallows, her oldest son, answered the door shushing us because his mom was sleeping, and told my kids they’d have to be quiet. My kids at the time were four and five years old, and she also had a four year old herself, plus two other kids..and apparently she was sleeping while they did whatever they decided to do. The next day, I told her that I was “afraid she wasn’t getting enough sleep” watching my kids and her own, because of that, I didn’t feel it was “fair” for her to continue watching them. Naturally she protested because I had been paying her a handsome wage for her services, but I held my ground as sweetly and tactfully as possible, and that was that.

As far as I knew, there was no fallout from this. Yes, she did talk to FelonTwo and Oompa Loompa, but she avoided Ho as much as possible, and as I’ve stated before, I didn’t care if she was talking smack anyhow, lol…why not join the crowd?

I myself had avoided Oompa Loompa and Ho like the plague, as I had no respect for them, the way they let their kids run wild in MY yard while they talked crap about me and my family. But as seems the norm, things came to a head one day.

If you’ll recall in my last post, I had called Social Services on FelonOne and FelonTwo, as their four year old, Snot, had come to my house wearing thin pajamas in 20 degree weather, not knowing where his parents were. I had also told Apronstrings, who told Oompa Loompa, who told Ho. What I didn’t mention in that post was that I, at that point, was the only person who had called Social Services. Apronstrings had told me about the 11pm visits to her home by Snot who just walked into her house and asked for food. Apronstrings also told me Oompa Loompa had seen the kid wandering alone down the street in extremely cold weather, again with no adult in sight.

So it was with little surprise I watched as FelonTwo approach me. She outright asked if I called Social Services, and stated Oompa Loompa told her this was so. I not only said no, but used my powers of persuasion and logic to convince her otherwise. As we talked, Apronstring, Ho, and Oompa Loompa, plus their assorted spouses, were watching from a distance with great interest.

I have repeatedly stated I am no saint. In my place, I don’t doubt you would’ve lied your ass off too. Why? Well gee, I guess when my husband witnessed their oldest son, FutureFelon trying to break into houses in the neighborhood, vandalism crossed my mind as a possible result of saying “Yes, you stupid bitch, wake up and smell the damn coffee, you suck as a parent, and are quite possibly the biggest pimple on the ass of humanity I have ever seen.”

So she went off, not convinced, but laying off for the moment. Of course, there was a conference then, and with great amusement I watched as Apronstring, Oompa Loompa, and Ho went into FelonTwo’s home to discuss what had happened.

I have noted Apronstring had stated she was acting as a spy to relate what was happening, and that by what actions I observed (such as attending the conference) she was talking plenty of smack on her own.

That said, the Terrible Trio didn’t fully trust Apronstring, despite the crap she talked about me. The woman did, after all, talk to me on a daily basis, to “fill me in” on crap they said I didn’t want to hear, and certainly did NOT react to.

You’d think more drama would begin and end with me, right?

Nope.

Apronstring soon ran afoul of the Terrible Trio.

In coming to her defense, I inadvertently launched myself, yet again, face first into a steaming pile of shit.

I hate winter.

I always have.

But the winter my cat was killed and all hell broke loose due to my assinine behavior (I’m not just a psychic and medium, I’m also a all too fallible human), I found peace. No snarking, no dirty looks thrown my way, just peace and quality time with my clients and my family.

Of course, this was not to last. As warmer months came around and my kids demanded to play outside, hubby and I gave in with good grace. Apronstrings and I noted more and more that Ho and Oompa Loompa could be found talking more. In our conversations with Oompa Loompa, we would find her stating outrageous things about Ho, and Apronstrings, who deigned to talk with Ho, found that Ho was spewing the same vile things about Oompa Loompa.

So for awhile, we stayed away from both.

Word came through Oompa Loompa that people were moving in, and that she fully intended to call Social Services on these people. Not knowing them myself, I thought this was really nutty behavior. As a rule, I don’t judge anyone based on what someone else says; I tend to look myself for their good and bad traits. So when I heard from Oompa Loompa they were felons, didn’t care for their four kids, and so on, I remembered how she and Ho were huddled together, but talking smack about one another behind their backs, and took Oompa Loompa’s word with a grain of salt.

Apronstring was the one who came up with the idea of not only introducing ourselves to the new neighbors, but also letting them know upfront that Oompa Loompa had stated she was going to call Social Services on their kids.

So I found myself straggling up the hill with Apronstring as we went to greet the new neighbors. We met FelonOne, a big man who I found slightly unpleasant psychically speaking. That’s right, I “scan” people as soon as I meet them, though if I’ve a lesson to learn, I can’t see my future interaction with them. Oh how I wish I could, lol! He had a big, booming voice and seemed nice enough at first sense, so to speak.

So, Apronstring prodded me…why did I EVER imagine she was going to tell them what Oompa Loompa said by herself? So, I told FelonOne what was being said. Understandably, he was upset, and boomed even louder. This is why I straggled up the damn hill. I just knew there would be fallout. So there was, as Apronstrings prodded me again, and I saw Oompa Loompa listening in, and knew there would be shit.

And oh, shit there was my friends. Oompa Loompa didn’t wage her campaign to convince FelonOne and FelonTwo against Apronstring and I right off. I rather wish she would’ve, as I was captured and held hostage for two frikkin hours when FelonTwo discovered I was psychic, and basically kept asking me questions for two solid hours in her home til I had to escape by using my kids bedtime as a excuse.

You’d be surprised how often this happens. I like to say psychics are treated worse than doctors at parties, because when people find out what I do for a living, their tendency is to trap me and ask me questions at length. No, I don’t always answer, but truthfully? It does look a bit rude to tell them how much I charge a minute in a social setting and then try to get them to pay up, so yes, sometimes I will answer a FEW questions..but then I cut them off. I imagine quite a few psychics are held hostage this way, but that two hour stint was the worst I’ve ever encountered.

After I escaped, I had NO intentions of going up there again. Now, Oompa Loompa was worming her way in with the FelonFamily, but I wasn’t too worried about it, just because I did not care at this point, after two hours of unending questioning, I didn’t care if the FelonFamily hated me too, lol.

Throughout this period, Apronstrings was starting to talk to Oompa Loompa and Ho frequently, and getting the lay of the land, and I myself kept a healthy distance, only observing from a safe distance.

I noted right off FutureFelon was a bully and not worth my time. Oh he was polite enough to me, but it’s when hubby discovered him trying to break into Splat and Apronstrings garage we knew he was a thug born in his fathers image.

I didn’t really meet two of other kids til later on in the summer, but Snot I met early on, and heard a great deal about. What I heard first was that he was often to be found wandering around alone. Had I seen this myself, I would’ve immediately called Social Services, but as I didn’t observe it, I just let it rest, as crap was being slung around the neighborhood at a alarming rate. The motto seemed to be smile to your face, stab you in the back, and I held back from all that and bided my time by staying in my yard and supervising the kids, in which Snot was to be found a great deal.

The straw that broke my back was when Snot came down to my home on a very cold spring evening, wearing only pajamas, snot bubbling out his nose, asking for food. When asked where his parents were, Snot couldn’t say. I remember the temperature was in the 20’s, and the kid was in very thin pajamas with no responsible adult or teen knowing where he was. I advised him to get back up to his parents house, with a agenda in mind.

When he got up to his parents house and clambered in the door, I called Social Services and let them know exactly what had happened.

Alas, I also told Apronstring, who told Oompa Loompa, who told Ho, and well, there was there little plot, signed, sealed, and delivered, by myself of all people.

Did I know it would get out?

Without question.

I have previously mentioned I knew Apronstring was talking smack to Ho and Oompa Loompa, as she was often to be found with them, and explained it to me like she was my own little spy, which I laughed about in private.

Here was my rationale. I knew it would get out and I wanted it out, I was sick of the back and forth, sick of talking to Oompa Loompa and Apronstring and knowing they were saying all sorts of nasty things about myself and my husband behind my back. I wanted FelonOne and FelonTwo to know, and to take preventative action, and hell, I didn’t mind at all if they hated my guts.

But there was a more important thing at work here. I might write my own story someday, but I will say this much now. I was physically abused and neglected as a child. Because of that, there was no way I was going to watch another kid go through what I had gone through, to NOT call would’ve been the most sheer hypocrisy I could ever think of. I felt for Snot, I felt for his sister, Bitterwithreason, and I felt for Stuckinhell, and hoped my actions would somehow help them out.

It was later I found out that there had been no less than four other calls to Social Services because of the FelonFamily. One woman on another STREET had found Snot (who was four at the time) in her garage poking around. A male neighbor who is a retired Social Worker had called when Snot was wandering down the main street in pajamas, at severe risk for being hit by a car. Oompa Loompa HERSELF called when she heard FelonOne beating the shit out of his thirteen year old daughter. Another call was placed by a elderly woman who observed FutureFelon choking her grandson against a brick wall.

So yes, I called.

I’d do it again.

Wouldn’t you?

To be continued….

I am no saint, as you shall shortly see.

After the death of my kitten, Apronstrings, who I’ve previously mentioned was talking with Oompa Loompa and Ho, talked yet again to Ho and told her of our suspicions that she was responsible for the death of my kitten. Needless to say, Ho came up to me all buddy buddy and told me that she hadn’t had anything to do with the cat’s death, but that Oompa Loompa had. She also confirmed alot of my suspicions without admitting any culpability on her part about the crap Oompa Loompa (and her…and Apronstrings) were saying behind my back. I didn’t honestly believe her, nor did I want to associate with her, but Apronstrings seemed to like her well enough, and I didn’t want to make Apronstring feel she had to choose sides, so I warily went along with it, making myself absent as much as possible.

Unfortunately, we came to realize we had been duped. Apronstring and myself were both boycotting Oompa Loompa..not her kids, who were welcome to play in our yards and with our stuff, but the actual troll herself. Now during this time, Ho was feeding us more and more crap and outrageous stuff that Oompa Loompa was saying. It got to the point where Apronstring and myself actually had Ho on our instant messengers, though I didn’t talk to her or make myself available too much.

Was I a total fool to accept any communication with the woman I suspected killed my cat, talked smack behind my back, and in the not to distant past, had neglected her kids?

You damn straight I was.

It all came to a head one day when Ho had unfortunately caught me on my instant messenger. In the midst of our conversation, she was trying to insinuate that Apronstrings had said some shit even I knew Apronstring had not said, and that’s when the light bulb popped on over my head. I ended the conversation as quickly as possible and called Apronstring and told her that Ho was obviously putting words in Apronstrings mouth that didn’t belong there. Not only did Apronstring agree, she said that Ho was trying to put similiar words in my mouth to drive us apart.

Needless to say, I may be a short tempered bitch, but I know when I’ve done wrong, and I felt horrible. I told Apronstring how bad I felt, and that I also felt compelled to visit Oompa Loompa, outline the situation, and apologize for our parts in it. Apronstrings indicated she felt the same, and so we made the walk of shame up to Oompa Loompa’s door. Once inside, we outlined the situation. I’m not a meek or mild mannered person, so when I heard some of what Oompa Loompa had to convey about what Ho had said..and this I didn’t doubt at all, my head was about to explode, my teeth were grinding together, and my blood pressure was pounding. Not a good combination in someone of my temperment. I indicated to Apronstring and Oompa Loompa that I felt I had a few things to say to Ho. Now this was discouraged by both parties, but I figured that’s because both dumb bitches didn’t want everything THEY had previously said to come out.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I didn’t talk smack about Ho or Oompa Loompa…as my feeling was one or both had some responsibility for killing my cat. I DID talk smack, and obviously I’m still talking smack, or I’d not be posting this blog, if it was your cat, and your kids you had to soothe and calm after their kitten was killed, I feel it’s a pretty good bet you’d turn into a raging bitch too. Especially after the same bitch who killed your cat tried to manipulate you and your good friend (Apronstring) to turn you against one another.

In any case, as I left Oompa Loompa’s house with Apronstrings, I diverted course and wound up at Ho’s front door. I knocked, and when she answer the door, I told her in no uncertain terms I knew what a liar and a cunt she was. That’s right, I’m not going to pretend I was acting as a mature adult , I was seeing the world through a red haze, and shit was gonna go down.

Before you knew it, she was screaming at me, I was screaming at her, and the entire neighborhood appeared outside to observe the conflict. She maintained that she had done nothing wrong, and I pointed out that I had archive history that detailed not only the slurs she had put forth against Oompa Loompa, but also the slurs she had outright stated Apronstring was saying to her about me. I also pointed out that I was well able and indeed intended to go and print out her statements indicating Oompa Loompa had killed my cat. I not only told her the best part of her had dripped down her fathers leg, I reminded her of what a outstanding parent she was, and how much WE had done to help her out in times of need, and how DARE she pay us back with this crap. I threw in her face the Child Welfare workers that were always coming to her house, and how she had to call the cops because she didn’t even know where the fuck her kids were, how they wandered around barely clothed in below freezing weather. That’s right, I went as low as possible, reminding her I bought her kids clothing, birthday presents, fed them, and took care of them when she was having one of her “anxiety” days. At one particular point, when she was in my face, and I in hers….she flushed with anger and spitting at me, I asked her why the hell she got Social Security Disability for anxiety attacks, sure seemed she was well able to handle conflict to me. I have rarely in my life ever wanted someone to hit me so badly, so I could blindly strike back. This is one of my worst weaknesses, police don’t matter, NOTHING matters or stops me once I get my dander up, it’s a huge flaw I’m not proud of, and as you’ll see in the continuing soap opera, it’s not the last time I’ll propel myself, face first, into a steaming pile of shit.

I do remember going into my home after flushed with victory that can only come from making a ass of yourself, no matter what justification you feel at the time. I also remember Apronstring coming in my house while I printed out the incriminating statements. It was while I was pointing out passages that Apronstrings gasped and reminded me that Ho had showed her a certain program that, if sent via messenger would crash your computer. We both panicked, I immediately blocked and deleted Ho from my computer. Apronstrings ran out my front door, in such a hurry she literally flew over my front porch, landed on her knees, gathered herself up and ran to her computer (God, what I’d give to have seen that in slow motion, Apronstring will appear to be no more a saint than I do in the continuing saga). I have no idea if in fact there is such a program, but I knew that toothless whore had done enough, and wasn’t going to be hitting me hard with anything else ever again.

Of course, this changed the dynamic of the neighborhood, as you’d expect. Now Oompa Loompa, Apronstrings, and myself talked quite a bit and were fairly chummy. Sure, I still knew they were talking shit behind my back, but I assure you, dear readers, that if you had witnessed the shit storm I had brought down from high on that stupid bitch, not to mention the sheer decibels I used to make sure everyone heard and knew what she’d done and what little I’d done to deserve the crap she felt necessary to do…..well in my place, you’d feel you won, too.

I thought I had achieved victory and put that bitch in her place.

I thought wrong.

The atmosphere in the neighborhood, was to understate, tense, after the Halloween Party That Never Was.

Apronstrings had taken to talking with Ho and Oompa Loompa to report back crap. I did not ask for this, but was highly amused at Ho and Oompa Loompa’s speculation on everything from my sex life, to my ability as a psychic, along with bitching about my growing kitten, whom I’d taken in as a stray when his mother went missing. Sure, he wandered around the neighborhood when he wasn’t in my house, but he also took care of mice and gophers that had plagued the neighborhood, and as he generally came in to use the litterbox, I had to laugh at their bitching and moaning. I was also fully aware as a psychic that Apronstring was chiming in here and there, which amused me even more greatly, as she wasn’t hiding it terrifically well.

Because I am a total smart ass, I decided to yet again bake a huge amount of cookies and send them around the neighborhood. I didn’t deliver them myself to Oompa Loompa or Ho, but had my kids deliver them as a lesson in giving. Now to ME this was a smart ass move because I was DYING to see if they would outright reject the cookies with a sniff and total disdain.

I was amazed they did accept them with smiles and shouted thanks. I guess my curiosity factor was just, if you sit around on your fat asses (and mine was pretty hefty at that time, so I’m not discriminating) and talk smack about your neighbor who is watching your kids, threw a block party, in addition to hosting your kids in her backyard nearly every day after school, without YOUR supervison? Let me put it this way. Even I, a admitted hotheaded bitch and hard ass, couldn’t look in the mirror after such hypocritical actions.

Around this time, Apronstrings and her husband were having some trouble making ends meet, while my business was booming, so I decided to help them out. I asked if Apronstring would be willing to watch Liam and Reilly two or three days a week. I paid daycare rates for both, to be as fair and help out as much as possible. As she always supervised her kids in my backyard, or in the street while they played, and her kids Puke, Spits, and Swallows had always been good to mine, I figured I was doing everyone a good deed, myself included. You try and do psychic and/or medium readings with kids running, screaming, and throwing wads of toilet paper down the toilet. At that time, my husband worked, so it was very difficult to juggle work and my kids..so it was a win, win, for all involved.

It was early December and Brian and I had been out shopping for Christmas decorations while the kids were in Apronstring’s care. We returned home and lugged the decorations for indoors and outdoors in the house, and I proceeded to come out our front door with some outdoor decorations I wanted to stake in front of our walkway. To my utter shock, I found my kitten stretched out and neatly displayed on my front porch. The cat was dead. There were no marks on him, so he had not been in a fight, and he was just stiffening. Now, I suspected foul play right off, as a mortally wounded or ill cat will literally crawl off somewhere private to die. My suspicions were confirmed as soon as I looked up from where the cat was neatly displayed.

Ho was standing in her front yard with a huge grin on her face. I was totally and immediately aware she was hoping I would break down, cry, rail against fate, or otherwise create a great scene for her to savor. I did nothing of the sort. My husband came out, and saw the cat, and immediately asked who did it. I pointed out Ho standing in her front yard, still waiting and watchful. I pointed out to Brian that it was funny how as soon as I’d come out the front door, I’d heard her open up her screen door, but didn’t pay mind til after I discovered the body. Ho did not get what she wanted that day, but oh my, she got it directly from me shortly thereafter, which I will relay for you in my next post.

I did not break down, though I wanted to. I merely watched as my husband picked up my cat’s lifeless body and threw it in the garbage can, while Ho continued to look on.

Then I went to pick up my then three year old and four year old who were very fond of “their kitty.” I explained to Apronstrings what had happened. Naturally she was in shock and disbelief, and knew that there had to be foul play involved. As she was watching five kids at the time, she understandably didn’t have a clue as to what would’ve happened, but she knew there was no way, given the cat’s condition, it could’ve been anything other than foul play. She also suspected Ho, and as we stepped out of her house together, Ho was standing her ground, still smirking in her front yard.

With my children in tow, I walked out of Apronstrings yard into my own, smiling and laughing the whole way. I am a hard ass, so there is no way I was going to give her the reaction she wanted. No matter how much I wanted to pass the kids to their father, run over and choke the shit out of that fat toothless bitch, I figured it would be smarter and much more wise not to give her the satisfaction she obviously wanted.

This prompted the first conversation with my two young boys about death. They were both distraught and crying, and wanted to see the body. This I would not allow. My reasoning to them, in simplistic terms they could understand, was that kitty would want them to remember him pouncing on string when they played with him. I also told them as is true, that kitty hadn’t really died, they would see and play with him again.

There is no such thing as death.

While that should and does bring comfort,

I wish my boys could’ve learned it in much different circumstances.

After our neighborhood block party, we continued to socialize with everyone in the neighborhood, save Ho. Her children were allowed to play when the five monsters weren’t there, and her parenting skills appeared to improve; for instance, she actually knew where her kids were on any given day. This was when we felt moved to help her out, as I observed the mother dropping off her five monsters, including a baby who she provided no diapers, formula, or anything for Ho to care for the infant. Ho had also told me after the block party that she could barely subsist on Food Stamps and her Social Security Disability, and she was using what meager resources she had to feed all those kids including her own.

Brian and I tried to help out, we let Ho’s kids play over here, took them to Chuck E Cheese for a good time, bought them nice school clothes, and gave Ho lots of veggies from our garden to help feed all the kids she did have. When the infant was with her, she’d often come over to borrow diapers, as at that time, Reilly was wearing them.

About this time was when Ho and Oompa Loompa seemed to become closer, and one day, Oompa Loompa approached me and Apronstrings about throwing a early Halloween Party, because she had to work Halloween and wouldn’t be able to go out with Screamsalot and Skeletor. I was wary, as I’d noted that all the kids in the neighborhood were usually to be found in MY backyard, on my trampoline, eating my food, drinking my drinks, and generally, other than Apronstrings, Oompa Loompa never came down to supervise her kids, nor did Ho, they were too busy talking.

I agreed with conditions. Namely, that Brian wasn’t going to be doing the cooking out, as he had just cooked for a huge crowd at the block party, and that I would only be doing face painting and handing out candy. Oompa Loompa said this sounded great, she was going to have apple bobbing and cook out for the neighborhood, and Apronstrings chimed in that she was going to use her garage as a Haunted House, with spaghetti to put kids hands in and things of this sort. All of us agreed to have candy on hand, so the kids could run and participate in activities from yard to yard, and eat all the sugar they could hold in the process.

I felt a bit bad a few days later for laying down the law as far as Brian and I not doing too much, so I baked cookies (from scratch, lol) and sent them around to every neighbor. Everyone was appreciative, and as I dropped them off, I kept hearing about what we had to look forward to before Halloween, so I felt a sense of anticipation as the day drew nearer.

The day of the Halloween Party, Brian and I pulled out a huge amount of the good stuff…all chocolate candy, lol…there is nothing finer. We also pulled out the face paint, and of course, opened up our backyard yet again to let the kids play as they wanted to. To our shock and surprise, Apronstrings wasn’t setting anything up at all, despite her previous statements, along with those of her kids, that they were going to have the best Haunted House on the block. Nor did Apronstrings have candy. We were set up in the front yard with kids streaming in, and as I was painting faces and handing out liberal fistfuls of candy, I looked up in Oompa Loompa’s yard to see Ho and Oompa Loompa sitting there. No apple bobbing, no cooking out for the neighbhorhood as had been previously promised. Both sat there chattering away and shooting extremely dirty looks in my direction. When Skeletor, Oompa Loompa’s son, came up to ask me when the party was starting, I told him it was his Mother’s idea, her party, and that he would have to consult her. Nor was he the ONLY child that asked when the party was starting, Ho’s and Apronstring’s kids asked too, and I restated that it was Oompa Loompa’s idea, therefore she would have a better idea when she was getting started.

Apparently, the kids ran up to Oompa Loompa and Ho, and told them what I had said. It was only fact, but my, how it seemed to incense Oompa Loompa and Ho. We heard snatches of bitch, and several other words I’d not care to print. The amazing thing was that after a curt reply from their mothers, the kids came back over and over again, inquiring when the party was going to be starting, so I knew though it was Oompa Loompa who was going to go all out on this party after the block party, per her previous statements, the expectation was that Brian and I would again feed the neighborhood, watch the kids, and basically make Ho and Oompa Loompa’s life easier.

Truthfully?

I laughed my ASS off while they were up there talking about what a bitch I was, shooting dirty looks, and smirking in a distinctly smart assed way. Brian was highly amused himself, as we kept on painting faces and handing out candy. Apronstring’s didn’t have a care in the world, no explanation was offered as to why she didn’t have candy or a Haunted House as promised. It was also a laughter inducing moment when I finally realized that Oompa Loompa and Ho weren’t handing out candy either.

This was the beginning of the stupidity, but oh, my readers there is more.

So much more.

Tune in soon for ‘Murder Most Foul’

It all began with me. All that follows is because of one action I decided to take in order to attempt bringing back the old 50’s style neighborhood, where everyone knew their neighbors and kids played together in relative harmony.

It began with Apronstrings, Splat, Puke, Spits, and Swallows moving into our neighborhood. I met them the day they moved in and introduced myself warmly, and Apronstrings responded in kind. She seemed like a very nice woman, so I talked to her often, and enjoyed our conversations. Sure, when we brought books out to read, she moved her lips as she read and used her fingers to point at the letters, but that didn’t dissuade me or make me feel uppity or elitist in any way. Splat was a great guy, easygoing, very nice, irregardless of the black teeth in his welcoming grin, and Puke, Spits, and Swallows seemed like truly great kids, who played with Liam and Reilly just fine. Soon, all five of our kids were playing in the neighborhood as we talked and looked on.

Shortly after our kids began to play with one another, our more reclusive neighbors, Oompa Loompa (who greatly resembles a troll doll) and Skeledad started making appearances, and Apronstrings and myself welcomed them and their children, Screamsalot and Skeletor, into our outdoor play and talk times.

It was shortly after we all were getting along nicely, and our kids were benefitting greatly from the time spent together, that I in my ignorance decided to throw a neighborhood block party.

I must note that Ho and her children, FutureJuvie and FutureHo, were living here at the time, and as we “came out” into the neighborhood, her children did play with ours. However, as a psychic, I could not stand her, and most emphatically did NOT want anything to do with her from the start, and avoided her any way I could. There was a issue with her friend dumping about five kids on her to feed and take care of every few days, and these kids were not only mean, but they had huge mouths on them, would bully, slap, and basically be total asses. Therefore, I would not allow Ho’s kids to play with mine if the five had been dumped on Ho that day. I also took issue with her allowing her children to play in 30F degree weather in tshirts and shorts, and those two never failed to ask for food. Further alienating me was her allowing her two young children to go with a neighborhood teenager to his father’s house. Mind you, she did NOT know this teenager, and she also did NOT know where they were going, and had to call the police to get them back. All of this turned me off to having any relations whatsoever with her. In fact, the first time I ever spoke to her after all the above observations, was after the block party. (incidentally, I would’ve called Child Welfare myself, save for the fact they showed up to monitor her regularly, saving me the need to do so)

This is integral to how the shit started, because I invited everyone to the block party….save Ho. I held out on inviting Ho til I knew if those five kids would be dumped on her the day of the party or not. If they didn’t show, her kids could come, if they did, no frikkin way.

The day of the block party came, and holy God, did Brian and I go crazy. We had a little cotton candy machine, tons of hot dogs, hamburgers, sausages, chips, cookies, and corn on the cob, all bought on our own dime. We even bought a pinata for the kids to beat on later, and balloons for them to take home with them. We provided soda as well, along with all the necessary condiments you would need. Plus, we were set up to allow all the kids to swim in our swimming pool in the backyard, play on our swing set, jump on our trampoline, and otherwise go apeshit with fun. In addition, for the nighttime, we planned a little firework show and had enough glow sticks on hand for every kid to further run themselves down, so we could sleep in the next morning.

We were set. So the day of the block party came, and we spent it setting up and anxiously watching Ho’s house, to see if the five monsters would arrive. As the time for the block party came nearer, the more optimistic we got that we could safely invite Ho, though I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to it, but believed that the other guests would help me avoid her, and truthfully, despite what I deemed abuse of her kids, I really felt for both of them, and wanted to provide them with a good time, no matter what my reservations and low opinion of their mother.

About half a hour before the party was to begin, the five monsters arrived on Ho’s door. Thus, she wasn’t going to be invited. When the brashest of the five monsters came over hoping to start a fight, or just get in on the good stuff, I told them because of their behavior, they were not invited.

We had a great time, to be honest. We sat around, talked while the kids played, and enjoyed the fireworks show and kids bobbing around with glow sticks. My first hint of trouble came when the cops were called because of the fireworks, and Ho was seen shortly before the cops arrived to have phone in hand, urgently speaking to someone.

I thought all was well when Ho came over later and asked why she and her children weren’t invited. I explained politely that I didn’t have a problem with Ho’s children; I took issue with the five monsters who stole, hit other kids, and basically were nuisances to all adults and kids in their vicinity, including her own. She seemed to understand and explained the monsters mother dropped them on her at all hours, expected her to feed and take care of them for days at a time, and I sympathized accordingly. So far as I knew, she accepted my explanation and walked off in peace.

It was a few days later, on July 4th, that we had bought yet MORE fireworks and glow sticks to provide the neighbors with amusement, and something to watch and celebrate. I again saw Ho on the phone, and wouldn’t you know it, the cops arrived shortly thereafter. While I knew this was just the beginning, I figured Oompa Loompa and Apronstrings were on my side, which was a mistake, as you will see in my next post.

No good deed goes unpunished.

We didn’t know that then.

We know it now.

I was talking with Suzanne last night after our show, and we started talking about how insane my neighbors are, and some of the lowlights over the past few years I’ve experienced with them. As Suzanne varied between shock, dismay, and laughter at their antics, I thought it would be extremely entertaining to catch you up on the past three years by introducing the cast of characters first. Understand these are obviously nicknames, as crazy shit still goes on with these people.

As this does read like a soap opera, you NEED this index of characters to keep up…refer to it all you need, lol, as I’ll be going back three years to illustrate how inane this all got…

Ho: Mother to FutureJuvie and FutureHo, has a harmless look, few teeth, many extra pounds, and doesn’t care if her children run around in 30F weather with shorts and tshirts on. On Social Security Disability for supposed anxiety issues, you will see this is unnecessary as our story unfolds.

FutureJuvie: son of Ho, this boy is known for starting fires that destroy homes, being allowed to play out in 30F weather with aforementioned shorts and tshirt, prone to lying, stealing, and ignoring or bullying little children.

FutureHo: I actually liked FutureHo, very sweet little girl who’s only issue is that Ho is grooming her to take her place in the future.

Skeledad: Father of Skeletor and Screamsalot, bows to the wishes of his wife when he isn’t fighting with her, most noted for ability to avert eyes and look down in shame when his wife boycotts other neighbors he likes.

Oompa Loompa: Mother of Skeletor and Screamsalot, penchant for turning neighbor against neighbor and decrying any involvement in the trouble she stirs up. Loves twinkies, fights, drinking lots of alcohol, and blasting loud music into the wee hours, irregardless of the fact she has two children.

Skeletor: son of Skeledad and Oompa Loompa, known for being bossy, trying to freak kids out in the neighborhood, and playing video games in his house constantly. Observed aversion to the sun, this child will always be witnessed at night, running wild, telling stories, and rebuffing certain little kids who’d like to play with him.

Screamsalot: daughter of Oompa Loompa and Skeledad, enjoys screaming at top of her lungs when she doesn’t get her way, pushing other kids around, threatening other kids if she doesn’t get her way, and basically annoying the shit out of anyone who’s been nice to her even once.

Apronstrings: Mother of Puke, Spits, and Swallows, likes to play both sides in any neighborhood drama so she gets the juiciest parts of every lick of gossip, and can create her own drama to feel powerful. Known also for babying her children and refusing to believe they understand the concept of responsibility, playing fair, or being nice to young kids, this mother and enabler is one to take serious note of, as she’s a huge player in our story.

Splat: Husband to Apronstrings, father of Puke, this is a affable, easygoing man, who believes everyone loves him, and nothing he can do will be taken the wrong way. Often hints for the writer of our saga to make baked goods, implying Apronstrings isn’t up to the task of meeting his needs stomachwise. Clueless by choice as to what Apronstrings participates in regarding neighborhood drama.

Swallows: Son of Apronstrings, a rotund boy who believes he knows everything, and if you disagree, he still maintains the sky is purple. Noted for muttering nasty shit behind people’s backs, defending his siblings by any story that sounds the best, and depending on Apronstring’s belief her offspring can do no wrong to get by. Also known for incredible levels of bending rules to make him win, this one will figure largely into our saga as well.

Spits: Apronstrings middle son, tends to spit enormous amounts without caring where said spit is aimed. Tends to be quite nice to kids IF a adult is watching. Has been observed along with Swallows and Puke to make younger children cry when Apronstrings or Splat aren’t watching. Will lose his shit if you touch his brothers, and most certainly believes he is entitled by Apronstrings and God to do what he will, with little to no consequences.

Puke: youngest son of Apronstring, son of Splat as well. Treated like a infant, if merely scratched in play, he will immediately scream at ear shattering volume and usually collapse to the ground, at which point Apronstrings, Spits, and Swallows run to his rescue. Has been observed to smack kids in the face, call them names, but this is all incidental as Apronstring sees it, as he is so young, and has no real idea what cognitive thinking or responsibility entails.

FelonOne: Husband of Felontwo, Father of FelonyFuture, Bitterwithreason, Stuckinhell, and Snot. A minor character due to Police, Social Services, and Humane Society visiting his house often and with cause, moved out after a few months. Known to either be clueless as to where his children were, beat them when he did know where they were, and work when he felt like it, which is to say never.

FelonTwo: Wife of FelonOne, Mother to FelonyFuture, Bitterwithreason, Stuckinhell, and Snot. Minor character due to her being pursued by Social Services, Cops, and the Humane Society. Wasn’t observed to beat children, but was out shopping most of the time, thus unaware of what was going on. Also observed to keep older children out of school to watch Snot, have a extremely big mouth which she used with impunity and often.

FelonyFuture: Following in footsteps of Father (FelonOne) and mother (FelonTwo) this big, burly teen was observed to choke other children, otherwise bully various kids, and ignore his responsibilities when it came to minding his youngest brother Snot. Usually observed rarely as staying in the house was his priority, also known to beat the crap out of his sister, Bitterwithreason. Also observed by writer’s husband to sniff around properties looking for something to steal on more than one occasion.

Bitterwithreason: Daughter of FelonyOne and Felony Two, this girl wasn’t so bad…she just got born into a bad family. Tried to watch her youngest brother Snot, got beaten by FutureFelony and FelonyOne, she did the best with what she had. Often kept out of school to watch her youngest brother while FelonyOne and FelonyTwo wandered aimlessly around town. I wish her well.

Stuckinhell: Son of FelonyOne and FelonyTwo. Really great kid, sweet with other kids, eager to please, left alone a great deal by his parents, often without food or drink. Known to be beaten by FutureFelon, FelonyOne, and verbally abused by FelonyTwo. Occupied position of housekeeper and gofer to his parents in a futile effort to win their approval. I wish him well.

Snot: Youngest son of FelonyOne and FelonyTwo. With no parental supervision, was known to literally wander the streets, break into people’s garages, and ask for food. Also was noted to wander around in 20F weather wearing just pajamas. Tended to lie, exaggerate, and take things, but I could never blame him for it. I wish him well.

Quietman: Believed father of Lungs, not certain of his parentage to Poketard and Toughcookie with reason. Married to Perpetually Pregnant. Laidback, easygoing, kind man who paints all the girls toenails, and tries his best to be a good father, even if doubt exists as to their parentage. Fights often and with bitterness with Perpetually Pregnant. I like him.

Perpetually Pregnant: Mother to Lungs, Poketard, and Toughcookie. Also mother to three other children she has given up. Possible she is pregnant now. Wife to Quietman. Enjoys drama, observed to curse her children out for minor infractions. Very close to Oompa Loompa. Confirmed promiscuity, hence Quietman’s doubts about who of the children they have kept are his. Hypocrite of the highest order, which is most likely why she and Oompa Loompa are best friends.

Poketard: Huge Pokeman fan, and all around good girl. Watches after her younger sisters and tries ineffectually to keep them out of trouble. Great conversations with her, more mature than her years. Does her best and makes no apologies when prompted to anger…nor should she. More of a Mother Figure to her sisters than her mother, Perpetually Pregnant.

Lungs: Daughter of Quietman and Perpetually Pregnant, this girl has LUNGS….she reminds us of Janis Joplin, only applied to screaming. Tends to manipulate to get her way, tell stories to get others in trouble, and loves to play house with myself as Mother. Very Protective of sisters ToughCookie and Poketard, when she’s not fighting with them. This is a girl who knows how to take care of herself, bit spoiled, but I still am fond of her.

Toughcookie: Daughter of Perpetually Pregnant, I adore her. Mostly because she can be a bully, wants her way, and will punch you in the face if you insult her. Basically I adore Toughcookie because she’s exactly like I was at her age…it might not be saying much, but she can take care of herself. Known to call names, hit, kick, and harass, she can also be sweet, good, and thoughtful. My absolute favorite of all kids in neighborhood.

Lydia: Aka Incredulousbitch. Author of this saga. Prone to telling neighbors what she thinks in no uncertain terms, calling Social Services or Cops if she thinks bad shit is going down. Has been observed in heated screaming matches with neighbors listed above. No angel. Mother of Liam and Reilly. Will correct any child without concern for consequences of their parents feelings on the matter.

Brian: Aka Stayawayfrommebitch. Husband of Lydia, Father of Liam and Reilly. Known for glaring looks and turning back on all neighbors. Will not speak to, interact with, or acknowledge any adult neighbors. Good with neighbor kids, aside from his alarming propensity to say extremely smart assed things in their presences.

Liam: Aka Bossybitch, son of Lydia and Brian, prone to being bossy, changing rules to make certain he wins. Often called out by parents for little conferences on his behavior. Observed to willfully ignore his younger brother Reilly to play with older kids, which results in more conferences with parents. Cries uncontrollably when he doesn’t win, when he’s not included, or when he’s felt misaligned in some imaginary way.

Reilly: Aka Idomyownthing. Autistic son of Lydia and Brian. Prone to doing whatever he feels like, whenever he feels like it. Will scream at any child who is playing what he wants to play with, resulting in stern conferences with parents. Cries when he loses, dictates how things should go, and tends to be largely ignored by adults and kids in neighborhood, save Poketard, Toughcookie, and Screamsalot.

There you have the cast of characters. As you might note, the personalities involved aren’t condusive with happy, hold handing times, nor do I have any of those to impart. Instead, you will get drama, intrigue, lies, deception, and manipulation, some of it on my part, lol.

And so…

The saga begins.