Lydia Aswolf

Friendship

You cannot know what you’ve never had.

Is it possible to long for that which remains fuzzy and ill defined in your mind.

Or is it permissible, nay, even expected that one can have a vague view of the thing they want.

A supposition of what it should feel, look, and sound like?

I think it’s permissible.

That indeed, supposition is crucial in such a situation.

The reality might be different, but some imagination is needed to envision that which you want.

Imagination which today, is all too often lacking.

Just as friendship is so often lacking.

Either that, or it is becoming redefined.

Women are often reputed to be the founders of firm friendships.

I do not concur.

I didn’t have a female best friend until I was thirty six.

It could be that I was just ahead of my time.

I see friendship today much as what I thought it might be way back when.

Buttering a goddamned floor so you can watch your self professed “best friend forever”

Slam face first into the ground, seriously injuring herself.

It’s just not my idea of fun.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a dyed in the wool bitch.

I won’t deny enjoying watching brain dead people experience.

Potential life altering events pursuing some stupid sports related.

Or just dicking off related goal.

I guffaw wholeheartedly at that.

But having been on the other side of the cruelty and/or betrayal-is-fun fence.

I dislike what low standards exist today for friendship.

How can you be a best friend when you are involved in a bromance?

It doesn’t keep me up at night, mind you.

But it certainly puzzles me.

I know from what is now personal experience.

What true friendship should be; what I and my best friend define it as.

But I don’t get why taking a picture of your friend’s drunken.

Half nude body and posting it on a social networking forum.

Has to do with friendship.

Is it just me?

Or is friendship the one constant that can bring you up.

When everything and everyone else in your life is hell bent on dragging you down?

Isn’t friendship a give and take situation.

Not take, take , take.

But give, give, give.

If all a “friend” does is take or torture.

The sticky label you applied to that “friend” needs to be ripped away.

Hopefully in the most painful way possible for that “friend.”

But what do you give in the name of friendship?

And what are you prepared to take in the name of friendship?

For it must be equal part of both.

Or it will not work.

Unless you intend to be a mule.

Always carrying the burdens of the other.

Never hearing from them when no burden is present.

You are not a taker.

This I know.

For takers don’t read material such as this.

They are off bungee jumping, screwing a stranger, or making a sex tape.

I’m the one laughing when they fall.

Get a (curable) std.

And are found to have equipment revved up by viagra and only viagra on their sex tape.

I never pretended to be nice.

For I am nice only to those who deserve it.

Fools need not apply for my friendship.

Or yours.

Loneliness is worth it, if that type of friend is the only kind available.

How much have you sacrificed over the years.

All I can say is thank you.

I might not know you.

But I applaud the courage you have.

The bravery.

The generosity of spirit which has not been extinguished to this day.

I wish I could be that kind of person.

But I cannot.

I am little changed from my girlhood.

I trusted animals more than people.

Because animals, even when ferocious.

Made logical, traceable sense.

I did not understand, as a dog does not.

Why a friend…or indeed a family member.

Could profess to love you, and then beat you.

I was not a dog; though I admire them for their generosity of spirit.

People kill wolves because wolves, in certain situations.

Will kill people.

There are those who wish to protect the wolf.

And those who don’t.

The wolf found on the other end of a shotgun wielded by someone who is not a friend.

Dies.

The wolf embraced by a unknown ‘friend’ who thinks one good deed.

Saves that particular wolf’s entire life.

Is gravely mistaken.

And worth much less than they assume.

Granted, some do it with pure intent and purpose.

But if you cannot be there with the wolf.

Or the dog.

Then you cannot provide the succor and support they need.

As is the case with the wolf.

An animal I most strongly identify with; for wolves are not always noble.

You might get bitten or ignored for any effort you provide the wary.

The untrusting wolf.

Wolves are choosy creatures.

Dogs are more forgiving and kind.

There are those who would say we created them that way.

But the symbiotic relationship worked both ways, and despite what some think.

Dogs are not stupid creatures, any more so than wolves.

They might stay when one beats them.

But that one might be surprised to find that pity is what keeps the dog leashed.

To the one who believes him or herself master.

Pity and the uncanny belief dogs foster.

That everyone can improve.

Everyone can be their best.

I had not pity, nor overwhelming need for human friends.

I was poor of course, and not much to look at.

I was fierce too, and if I sound proud of it.

I was proud of it.

Proud for not being coerced into what I viewed at the time.

As a false dependence on those who would never come through for another.

I was wrong of course.

We all have to be wrong from time to time.

I’ve been wrong in my personal life more than most.

Because it teaches the most.

At the time, I believed depending on another was a weakness I could scarcely afford.

That changed over the years.

While I cannot say I became softer.

I can say I was well and truly taught.

I had a knife stuck in my back more than once.

Oh but no angel writes these words, please do recall.

When stabbed, I stabbed back; there is no pride to be found in such a thing.

Certainly no generosity of spirit.

Pride goeth before a fall they say.

I’ve fallen many times…and while my pride might be a bit lesser.

It is no more or less prone to tripping me now.

Than it ever was.

Friendship to me is and always will be first; what do you have to give?

For if you go into friendship thinking only to take.

It would be my sincerest hope you get screwed up the arse.

Without benefit of lube.

That you not enjoy the encounter, and.

That it teach you the next time to develop some largesse of spirit.

Keep in mind that a healthy friendship means being able to take as well.

Some with my particular views never develop a friendship, which is a pity.

Worse yet, some over the years, develop a bizarre belief system.

The more they give, the more friendship they will get.

They blind themselves to the fact that they are now givers with no friends.

Door mats to wipe one’s feet on when conditions are murky out.

These friends are left with a mess to clean up after they give.

Expect to give; expect to take.

Settle with yourself what is proper to take and give; then move forward.

But as with any new venture, be careful.

Do not be a fool as I was, and put walls up which not only prevent friendship.

But repel it out of the belief it’s just not possible for you.

Expect to get hurt, used, and abused.

It’s part the process.

Friendships are not all meant to be permanent.

Some last us through some times where we learn much from one another.

Then go our separate ways.

Some friendships do last a lifetime.

Be it a lifetime of being close physically and emotionally.

Or distant, but always together and willing to come through in a pinch.

It shouldn’t matter.

If it does to either party.

It is not a friendship worth considering effective.

It expired the moment too much expectation was enforced on one side or another.

Any enforcement, be it with a knife in the back, or expectation that poisons.

Then causes a slow death are but a few weapons in the arsenal of a friendship needing ended.

It matters not if you believe in fate, or destiny, or the one true eminence.

Who created it all.

All creatures have their time to live, and their time to die.

Friendships are the same.

What we see today, is a mass genocide of friendship.

Willingly perpetrated by a populace that seems incapable of comprehending.

What true friendship is.

I suppose cynicism doesn’t help, does it?

A healthy perspective should govern in such matters.

A few of the newest generation will be friends.

It is hoped that they will see a revival of what they know in their very bones.

True friendship should be.

It should be healthy.

Chock full of nutritive substance to last a lifetime, whether their friendships do or not.

It should not consist of the junk food found all to easily for little to no cost today.

Loaded with buttery, empty calories lurking in your bloodstream.

Blocking off first veins, then heading towards your arteries.

Until at last, it reaches it’s goal, and extinguishes that which gives you love and life.

Your heart.