The Test is Best
Friday, March 2nd, 2012
Frequently Asked Question: Am I pregnant?
Unwavering Answer: No idea. See, first, I’d have to be able to see your egg pop out of your ovary. Second, I’d have to monitor if little swimmers were headed towards that egg. Last but not least, I’d have to see the little bugger entering your egg.
Sounds like a on call, round the clock gig to me.
Look, I respect you. Enough that I don’t want to probe your internal plumbing, order you to have sex, and ensure that the load delivered makes it on time.
Don’t get me wrong; your sex life is part of my job. If the guy/gal you are looking at can’t get job #1 done for you in the bedroom, it’s my responsibility to warn you about that before you hop between the sheets. By the same token, if he/she is passable, I’ll mention he/she needs a little remedial anatomical training, but will sail along just fine with some direction from you. Up to you what you choose to do in such a situation, but I’m not a bump, tickle, and squirt girl myself. I don’t expect you to be, either.
Alternative Point of View: There are some people who, for whatever reason, know as soon as a bun hits your personal oven. Most often, these are people you know or have always known who are NOT psychics. And most often, these people volunteer the information, so you don’t have to ask first.
Some psychics claim to be able to tell when you are pregnant, but frankly, I am doubtful…because some psychics also claim to be able to reunite you with your ex, 100% guaranteed. Even if said ex has been happily married for a decade to his lovely wife, and they have their fourth kid on the way. Yeah…no.
Takeaway Value: Unless someone you know of the aforementioned variety comes up and announces you are pregnant, buy a pregnancy test. It’s cheap, fast, and doesn’t involve someone barking at you to do it doggie style because penetration is better.
Trust me on this.